Divining - The Tie That Binds.

I used to have this recurring dream after my Godmother (R.H.) passed away when I was thirteen. In the dream, I would always wake up in her bedroom, either already standing up or lying in her bed. The door to her bedroom would usually already be open, I would walk through the kitchen and into her living room where her reclining chair was always sitting growing up. Every time I reached her chair she was never sitting in it and I would wake up shortly after or either the dream would switch to something else entirely. After my SP episodes started happening again, my dreams were also becoming very vivid and lucid. I am not sure how often I have had this same dream over the years but I know it has been on quite a few occasions, at least. One thing I would like to point out is in this recurring dream, I was always my younger self, no older than 8 or 9. Well, one night I would have this same dream I had, had so many times before. 

I woke up in her bedroom as usual. I walked through her bedroom door that lead straight into the kitchen and from there proceeded directly ahead into the living room. Her recliner sat directly to the left as you walked into the living room. To some extent, I had to realize I was dreaming because when I walked into the living room and she was sat in her recliner, I remember feeling so shocked that she was actually there. I remember I stood froze for a moment just staring at her, after a few moments she just smiled at me and I realized compared to everything else around us, she was brighter and seemed to almost glow. When she smiled at me I couldn't help it but tears started streaming down my face and I just ran into her arms and gave her the biggest hug. I can't describe the feeling of hugging someone you never thought you would ever get the chance to hug again, how real it felt. I remember she took me by the arms and lightly pushed me away from her to where her face was facing mine. She said something to me, I wish I knew what it was but I don't. Shortly after she said what she said to me, I woke up. Upon waking, I noticed my face and pillow were drenched with tears. My emotional response to this dream was intense and very strong.

I instantly recalled everything that had just happened over in my mind and a big smile spread across my face. I knew it was her, after all these years she had finally somehow managed to come to me. Before she passed away from cancer and I moved away back to FLA (2002-2003), she and I had a conversation one day. She said if there was an afterlife that she would find a way to reach back out to me. I am not sure why, maybe it was my Mom's way of trying to protect me but not long after we moved back to FLA my Godmother (R.H.) passed away. My Mom never told me. I called my Godsister (L.F.) one day to check in on (R.H.) to see how she was doing and (L.F) didn't answer. So I left a message and she returned my call not long there after. 

When I answered the phone, I could hear the confusion in L's voice. One of the first things she said was "R is dead. She has been gone for a little while now." I didn't know until that phone call (R.H.) passed away while in the care of a nursing home, apparently the cancer had spread so badly she would fall when trying to walk at home. (R.H) being a bigger lady made it very hard for L to continue being her only source of care. Cancer eventually spread to R's brain, she was very disoriented and confused in the end. At one point she even called the police thinking the carer's in the home were trying to kill her and were holding her hostage. After hearing all of this I just fell to my knees sobbing and screaming. All I could keep thinking to myself is how scared she must have been and I couldn't be there for her. L explained to me she had told my Mom what happened. I was so upset my Mom never told me and I had to find out the way I did, I felt betrayed and lied to. Even still, all I could do was endure. 

As I mentioned in my last entry, at the current point in my story, I am living with my friend and roommate (D.P.) in Jonesboro. I was busy just hanging out in my room one day, I had bought a pendulum and guide from Books-a-Million a few days prior. From what I understood it was a way to try to communicate with your subconscious, your inner self. At this point I had already tried meditation, binaural beats, music therapy, and decided why not give it a shot? Admittedly, I didn't expect anything to happen and felt quite silly sitting there talking to myself and asking question's while waiting for responses from a pendulum. Still, I indulged in asking it simple yes or no questions I would already know the answers to. I would always do this as a test before starting my divining session's. What was strange though is eventually I realized the pendulum would move in any direction I asked it to, or completely stopped moving when I asked it to. Whether I asked it out loud or silently to myself. I found this really interesting. I would start off usually asking it to swing in a clockwise or counter clockwise motion. After a few seconds of this I would ask it to move in a different direction, either front to back, side to side, there have even been times I have gotten it to swing in an X motion. 

I was really curious if other people could do this or if it was something common or not. Back then, I only had a few people I would even consider opening up to about this stuff. As I have mentioned before in some of my older entries, I had an old childhood friend called (A.B.), before we eventually lost touch completely. I wound up giving him a call one day and showing him a video of me with the pendulum and even showed him while on video call so he could see it for himself in real time. To be honest he seemed a bit freaked out and would only say he has ever known of one certain type of person to be able to do that but he wouldn't elaborate on what he meant. He was very vague and guarded after I showed him, almost gobsmacked. Curiosity, as it does, got the best of me after that. I began asking friend's to try to do it too, to see if they could. Mind you, I have only ever tested it on maybe a handful of people, but none of them were ever able to get it to move like I could, if at all. To this day, I can still do this. Ironically, I still have the same video on my youtube channel I took all those year's ago that I showed to (A.B.) as well, though the quality and angle isn't the greatest. 

 

                            

My Godmother (R.H.) & Me. 1990-1991

Would you believe me if I told you I was born with a head full of hair & two teeth?